We Need To Baby(boomer) Proof The Oval Office

On the final episode of SNL before the 2020 presidential election, host John Mulaney explained why he believes old people shouldn’t vote saying, “You don’t get to order for the table when you’re about to leave the restaurant.” While the joke got a slight round of applause as well as a few sparse groans you can’t say the man doesn’t have a point. On January 20th, 2021, Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th president of the United States. At the time of his inauguration he will be 78 years, the oldest president our nation has had since the president before him. Of the last four presidents Joe Biden is older than three of them by four years, as well as nineteen years older than his former boss Barack Obama. Let’s be honest, electing Joe Biden in 2020 makes as much sense as the 2021 Chicago Bulls signing Michael Jordan to a four year contract.

Electing a gropey geriatric relic from a time where segregationists openly served on Capitol Hill should not be the major political victory it’s being celebrated as. But what else can we expect from a nation whose only requirements for holding its highest office is that you be a natural US citizen over the age of 35. I know plenty of 35+ year old Americans who should not be allowed to be president.

As it stands Ashley Tisdale, Betty White, Dennis Rodman, Pauly D, Mel Gibson, or Kim Kardashian could all hypothetically be president as long as they get the right amount of votes, and I do not have faith that an electorate that’d give over 73 million votes to an unhinged narcissistic white nationailist responsible for a quarter of a million deaths, wouldn’t easily vote in another disastrously unqualified candidate if given the chance. So unless we want #LoganPaul2032 I highly suggest we consider adding a few additional requirements.

So how about from now on you can’t be president if:

-You have zero political experience.

-You can’t chew solid foods.

-You think Nickelodeon is an old timey movie theater.

-You’ve ever compared refugees to poisoned skittles.

-You think avocado toast is the biggest obstacle towards home ownership.

-You think a summer job is the reason you didn’t need student loans.

-You’ve ever referred to social security as, “an entitlement program.”

-You refer to overseas civilian deaths as “collateral damage.”

-Your favorite sport is golf.

-You’ve bragged about your ability to work with segregationists.

-You still believe in Reaganomics.

-You pronounce Le Creuset “La crew-set”

-You’ve been caught on tape making racist or violent remarks.

• You’ve ever had to apologize for a viral video.

So let’s all put our pinkies together and promise to never put another declining senior citizen into the oval office, and for the love of god, no more unqualified celebrities either, and yes that includes Oprah too!