Ten Ways We Can Convince Donald Trump To Concede
The United States is on the verge of a potential constitutional crisis. An outgoing president has chosen to break with tradition and refuses to concede the oval office gracefully. The future of our already fractured democracy hangs in the balance. As a frustrated American I feel it is my duty to at least offer some potential resolutions to save our system of government from this dangerous new normal. As such I have taken it upon myself to brainstorm some potential bargaining chips we can offer the incumbent president to ensure a peaceful transition of power.
1.Tell him that his concession speech would be the most watched concession speech in all of history. (Which probably wouldn’t be a lie.)
2. Offer him an off-the-cuff prime time opinion show on a network of his choosing.
3. Have Simon & Schuster offer him a book deal worth enough money to pay off all of his debts.
4. Promise him that if he concedes he never has to see Tiffany ever again. (This may not work as he probably doesn’t see her that much anyways)
5. Offer him a lifetime supply of free Diet Coke. (He’s 74, doesn’t believe in exercise, and eats McDonald’s for every meal, how much Diet Coke could that possibly be?)
6. Offer to name the unfinished border wall after him.
7. Have his supporters pressure him to concede. We can do this by having QAnon convince his supporters that on 2/1/21 the Southern District of New York will lock up both Hillary Clinton and Rosie O’Donnell but only if he concedes peacefully.
8. Have the state of New York temporarily overturn their incest laws so that he can finally date Ivanka in peace.
9. Tell him he won a second term after all, move him permanently to the makeshift oval office he used at Walter Reed and let him cosplay as president for the rest of his life. He probably won’t be able to tell the difference.
10. If all else fails, offer him a 16th season of The Apprentice.